Magical Moment

Last weekend Katya and I had what I see as a turning point in our relationship. I almost didn't blog about it because it was so tender that I didn't know if I could capture the actual feeling but when I look back on my parenting experience with her I want to remember this moment and so I want it memorialized. Truthfully, I don't know if I will actually publish this post but I am going to write it all the same...

It was last Saturday. We had our normal busy Saturday with her flag football game at 8 am and then her soccer game at 2 pm. I had given Katya a list of chores to complete between the football and soccer game, one of which was to clean her room. I was doing yard work while Tony was taking a nap and periodically checking on how her room cleaning was going. Each time I checked, it appeared that the room was even messier than before! Needless to say, she didn't get her room cleaned, let alone the other two chores done, before soccer. Watching her clean her room reminded me of a book I had recently read that talked about kids that have had chaos in their mind and lives and how they really don't know what organization is and I wondered if this was her hold-up to getting the room cleaned! Anyway, after the soccer game, I took pity on her and helped her finish cleaning her room, she completed her other two chores and then she asked me if she could play on the computer.

Using the computer in our house is a real priviledge, as it is normally "locked down" since our virus mishap. Since she had been so cooperative in doing her chores without complaining I had no problem with letting her play on the computer. However, I gave her the instructions that I normally do: "You can only go to the websites that are bookmarked under your name and NOWHERE else without asking me". I took advantage of Tony's afternoon nap by doing some more yardwork. Yet, when I came back into the house to get Tony, there was Katya on google - which is NOT a website that is bookmarked under her name.

I am proud of myself because I didn't yell and truthfully I wasn't all that mad - more annoyed that she had disobeyed. I also didn't really feel like punishing her so I didn't really say anything to her - just shut the computer off - and then she went to her room on her own accord. Alex had been at work all day and then got to go to the Lakers game with his friend and I really did just want to go do something fun with her. Plus, I have been trying to take a "breather" during situations like this so that I don't end up yelling because I think it really is more constructive to have time between the issue and the discussion. My plan was to go out to eat and have a discussion in the car. Despite the fact that she didn't want to go out to eat at first (she was now in one of her noncomplacent moods), I let her pick the place (sort of - with a little prompting that we should wait for another day to go to In-and-Out with daddy). She chose Panda Express. So we piled in the car and had a very quiet ride over there. Although I am sure that she thought I was really mad - I really wasn't. I was quiet because I was reflecting on what I wanted to say to her and here is an abbreviated version of the conversation we had on the way home (although in reality there was very little conversing as I am the one that did all the talking!):

I told her that I wasn't really mad at her but that I was more disappointed. I asked her if she knew what disappointed was and then explained that it was more a feeling of sadness than anger. We talked about the two reasons why I don't let her go to just any website. The first reason being that I don't want another virus on our computer and the second reason is that there is a lot of stuff on the internet that kids shouldn't see and that she really had no idea what websites she was going to. I also took the opportunity to talk to her about how you couldn't find boyfriends on the internet. Since Alex had this conversation with Allie a couple of weeks ago because the whole "boyfriend on the internet" was her idea in the first place, this seemed to be a perfect time to bring it up with Katya. Katya replied, "I know" with a very authoritive tone - as if she had already tried! Awesome :( I explained to Katya how the internet is a great tool for people because you never really know who you are talking to and that the 12 year old "boy" is mostly likely a dirty old man that wants to do bad things to little girls.

Katya was very quiet through this conversation and I was reminded of why my mom used to like to corner us in the car to lecture us. It is really the perfect spot because where can the kid go? Nowhere - they have to sit there and listen to you! When I asked her what she was looking for on the internet, she glared at me and replied, "I was looking for a present for you." (I must note here that the next day was Mother's Day.) Oh darn! Really - how can you be too mad at your kid for that? We finished our conversation on the internet with how you can't even buy anything until you have a credit card and in order to get a credit card you have to be 18.

When we got out of the car, I walked over to her and gave her a hug and told her that even if I got mad at her, I still loved her and that it was very nice of her to want to buy me another present. I noted that she was not very responsive to my hug and that it looked like she was about to cry as she headed up to her room. Although I knew she was upset, I didn't go after her right away. I knew I should have but our food was going to get cold, I was hungry, Tony was hungry, and instead I went a put Tony in his chair and gave him a spoon to entertain him while I organized the food. In my pre-"Beyond Love, Logic and Consequences" days I have to admit that I wouldn't have gone after her at all. Sadly, I probably would have reveled in the fact that I was avoiding conflict and eating my food in peace. But I did go after her, leaving Tony strapped in his chair with his spoon and no food, to see if I could quickly get her to come downstairs and eat. And I am so glad that I did because if I had just stayed downstairs to eat my orange chicken in peace what an important moment I would have missed!

I called this post "Magical Moment", although in truth I think of a magical moment as a really fun moment and this wasn't really that. It was actually a very sad moment because it was one of those moments when you actually see your kids at the core - you understand what they are feeling and you honestly want to comfort them. Katya was under her bed. She has taken to going there when she is upset or wants to be alone. Her bed is very high and she can fit easily under it. She has little trinkets stuffed on the wood boards and pictures taped to the bottom of the bed and it really is the equivalent of her "hideout". It is the only place in her room that Tony is not allowed. She was curled up in a ball and crying. "Katya, are you hungry?" I asked, knowing that she would of course say no and inside my head I am screaming "Please just come down and eat - I am hungry and I don't want to deal with this right now!". It took some real will-power to not just walk out of the room right then because after all - I had tried hadn't I? I could hear Tony downstairs babbling and I am thinking that it is only a matter of minutes before his babbles turned into cries of impatience at being confined to his chair. Instead, I get down onto my tired knees (I had been doing yardwork all day after all!) and crawl under the bed with Katya. "Katya, what's wrong?" I ask. "Nothing." She replies. "You are crying so I know there is something wrong." I say softly and gently push her over so that she is facing me. After a moment, she looks at me with an odd expression and replies, "I miss my mom." I realized that I think the expression she gave me had a tinge of fear in it - as if I was going to get mad at her and I would be lying if I said that the statement didn't make me a little bit angry. Why would she miss her mom? I'm here - doing all these things for her that her mom didn't. I help her with her homework, I make sure she takes a bath and that she has clothes and toys to play with. I put her in soccer, football, tennis and all kinds of other fun stuff. How can she miss her mom whom she has maybe seen four times in the last six years? All this I am thinking as this statement hits me in the face. But do I say this? Of course not. Instead I say, "It's OK to miss your mom. It's OK to love your mom and miss her and to still love me and daddy at the same time. You loving your mom doesn't make me mad. I know that you have had a tough life and that your mom did some mean things to you but I am sure that you still had moments with her that made you happy and that make you miss her."

I said a bunch of other stuff that I don't recall exactly, all the while listening for Tony's screaming to start (which by some miracle never did start - he was still just babbling away having a good time with his spoon!). I remember telling Katya that she can tell me whenever she wants that she misses her mom and that I won't be mad but rather that I will be sad that she is sad. I told her that I hoped that she gets to see her mom again someday. I told Katya how happy we were that she became part of our family and and that no matter what she does we are not going to send her back. I told her that I couldn't imagine our family without her. This statement for me has always been true, since the moment Katya has come home. Through all the ups and downs and the moments when I wanted to pull my hair out (and hers too!), if I try to think of our family without her I really can't. But one thing that was a little bit different about this night was when we ended our conversation with a long hug filled with tears and "I love yous", the "I love yous" seemed to mean more - for both me and her. I remember someone telling me one day that with adopted kids, you don't love them right away. That you need to define loving a child as being "in-tune" with their needs and trying to help fulfill those needs and then one day you will just wake up and genuinely love them. Am I completely there yet? Maybe not. But am sure closer.